Am I in acceptance or fear? Last night I tossed and turned in the fear. I got carried away because we all do in moments. So, this morning I dive into that thought that had me tossing and turning. Here it is as I process it, typed out so I can share the process of self-inquiry. The process of The Work.
I have had many moments of allowing fear to come within. I felt fearful. I have responded from a fearful place. The thing I notice the most about this fear is when I am feeling alone. I slip into this thought process of I have to defend myself. My survival, my well-being is all my own responsibility.
As I write this and allow the belief of that fear to sink in, I am in tears. It feels really painful.
I feel the pain of this, I feel the agony of this. I know this is not how I am supposed to live.
What was I believing in that moment?
We are all suffering.
Is it true? In that moment, in that fearful state of feeling alone and I have to defend for myself.
Yes, it feels true.
Can I absolutely know, it is true? Well, look at everything going on. People are suffering, people are ill, some cannot get groceries.
A simple Yes or No here Alicia. Can you absolutely know, it is true? No
And when I am believing the thought, we are all suffering, how do I react? It hurts. It hurts so much. I am weak, I am dizzy and I cannot even catch my breath. It feels impossible, it is just too much. My body trembles in pain and agony. Typing is so hard, it is hard to see and I am shaking terribly.
I feel shame – I am not sure why? Do I see others suffering more and feel I should be a part of that suffering? Why do I feel shame here? Is it helpful for me to be in suffering and fear with others and that will make me feel less alone?
This is confusion, I am lost and spiraling down the rabbit hole of confusion. It feels out of control for me. The tears just keep coming. Are we being punished? The jokes about we have been sent to our rooms for being assholes. Is it stupidity, is it ignorance? See the spiral, the belief, and confusion.
My body feels really heavy, my back hurts really bad. I cannot sit up straight. This is too much it is too heavy. I feel as though I am buried by the heaviness of the world.
I feel sick, my stomach to my throat. This is a common experience for me. This is where I know victimization and defeat fall upon me (through years of being in this practice). This is where the center of me shuts down, I build the wall a little thicker around my heart and my voice becomes silent.
I feel stubborn. I feel alone and yet watch me put on the happy face as I bury away this anger and pain within. Why? This should not be happening and there it is the source of the pain, the SHOULD. I am at war with the truth of what is and I have tag lined it with the familiar suffering. I am at war with my reality. And my body is suffering in that war right now, the thoughts are spiraling out of control and I am not present at all.
Who would I be at this moment, if I did not even believe, we are all suffering? If that thought could not even occur to me? Take a deep breath here, pause, get still, this is a meditative process.
I notice. I see the sticker on my wall that says, I really appreciate you. I feel the bed beneath my body.
I feel this opening of opportunity. I notice I have really loved being at home every day with my 2 daughters. I have spoken to my 2 adult children, who live in different states, so much more these past couple weeks.
I am so incredibly fortunate.
Suffering is a choice. I have a choice always within my thoughts, within my beliefs, when I take the time to breathe and get still, be present.
I am not alone at all. Oh my god, is this the whole point?
As a world, we are in this together. I am not alone. I am never alone. I long for my alone time. I love my alone time. I do not need to do anything alone. I have so much community and so much support around me. We are all in this together and yet we are in our homes, a time to pause and appreciate.
I have groceries.
Mother Nature has always provided. The sun always shines, the bird is chirping, the rain of spring is upon us, the ground is pulsing. And she is will provide more, the more we slow down. Not just me, but as a collective. As a collective, we are in this together.
That is where my suffering lies, that is where the pain hurts the most when I forget we are all in this together. I am not alone, I am warm, I am safe, I am loved, I am very fortunate.
Literally, we are all in this together. The earth holding us during this earthly experience. Each and every human being right here and right now we are all in this together.
I am so free. There is so much possibility. There is so much to learn.
Now the tears are welling up again as I am reminded how incredibly supported and loved I am. I feel as if my heart is melting, the center of my being feels alive as if I am lighting up. And that light is simply through the belief that we are all in this together. I am never alone, I chose earth, she chose me. Here we are all together figuring it out. We are all on this beautiful planet and we are all figuring it out.
We are not being punished. How is this punishment? And now the laughter falls upon my body.
Alicia, you are home with your girls. You have been cooking so much and teaching them. You are appreciating the abundance of the yummy foods you are creating as meals.
You have this incredible avenue to use Zoom and see so many faces every single day, you are one of the really lucky ones that get to work from home, in a whole new way. The work you get to do is all about opening conversations with others. Showing up and having others show up for that connection.
This is not punishment; this is a blessing. One of those blessings in disguise. Not intentionally in a disguise. Only we as humans put on the disguise. This is a way of recognizing and appreciating. This is an opportunity to see just how much control is a false illusion, that’s the disguise, the false illusion we believe we are in control. We can use governments, religions, money, time all these things us humans made up. And I see total innocence in the creation of all that. I see the innocence where systems and things were put into place to create an order, to create a community. Again, staying present, no right or wrong, no judgments, simply ignorance of confusion, especially when control and fear are in play. Only we are humans and we are learning. We must continue to learn and sometimes those learnings come to us in really uncomfortable and shitty ways.
Some of my hardest times in life, I look back and see them as the greatest blessings. I see those experiences as what got me here today.
And here today, I know who I am more than ever before. I am so grateful for the peace and calm and gratitude I feel for who I am, what I am and how I serve. In my darkest moments, the light has shown the hardest and shines from within to remind me I chose and in that is all the purpose I need.
And now we are being shown possibly what is not working within the systems. I have no answers to all of that. I believe each human needs to believe what is most true to them and that is the gift of choice. Nothing is right or wrong to me and I sure have noticed what is not working. And that’s simply my perception.
This is an opportunity to notice.
Notice, the good health you are in. The support and love around you. The opportunity you have to be a support and show love to others.
We are all in this together. We are all in this together It is truly impossible to be alone in this earthly existence. I know it can feel that way at times. Go back up to the top of the pages, where I was believing that thought and my body was trembling in pain. For the guilt and shame of so much, I cannot even put words to was pulsing through my beliefs. Then I took that belief and pulsed it through my body. No one was doing that to me I was doing that to myself, as I was spiraling down the rabbit hole of a confusing thought.
My whole inquiry here. This whole experience of being willing to sit in it, willing to ask the questions willing to type it all and share it. The whole thing was for me to see it is all happening for the entirety of our existence and everything we see, feel, breathe, taste and realize in this existence.
We are being shown in a different way. We are being shown the loving support of those in the medical field who make the conscious choice to show up and work on comfort and healing. Wow, I admire them.
The loving support of communities stepping up. That slowing down is ok, actually, Mother Earth is healing quickly through this short time of us slowing down. Time with ourselves is not loneliness is it an opportunity to notice. And, hello the offerings, the free teachings, the sharing of meditations, yoga, discussions, on and on, they are almost overwhelming to me. Overwhelming to see how much is being offered right now. There is just so much, so much that could be happening in this slowing down in my home.
I feel joyful. I feel hopeful, I know the most important thing I can do is be, to be in a healthy and positive state of mind, that is what my world needs right now,
Is there still suffering right now? As I sit here on my bed, with a laptop on my lap, a cup of freshly brewed coffee near me, the notes of my journaling to the right of me and the silence in my home. At this moment do I see, feel, smell, taste suffering? Absolutely not, only in my thoughts.
Cherish this moment. Cherish the silence. Cherish the unity you are feeling in your open heart. Cherish the love you feel from above and below. Feel the balance of peace, calm and the awareness of the state of our world. It is all happening. And I sit here in the noticing and the acceptance of it all, I am at peace, I am calm and I am one hell of a lucky woman. So many choices in front of me at this moment.
I place my hands on my heart and take in this love I am feeling. From my toes, through each cell and out through the top of my head. I feel the pulse of mother earth and father sky, humbling in gratitude. Next, I take my hands from my heart and I send that love all around, through my home, through my city, through my state, through my country and visualize my love extending out to surround the whole world. And that is my choice right now.
Acceptance of it all and acceptance of the space I can hold for myself.
Turnarounds: We are all suffering
(all about me) In my thoughts, I am suffering within myself.
Yes go back to the top and read the first couple of pages, I was suffering, the body was trembling in pain, the weight of the world was pushing me down (in my beliefs) and my heartfelt the layers of cement as the wall went up.
Tears and terror flashed through my mind.
Martyrdom and victimization – silly Alicia it is only your place to know you are a part of the collective and your alignment to peace, calm and truths is the best thing you can do. Because that is all that is in your realm of power, that is the only business I have is to feel into, the oneness that we are all in this together and be at the most aligned space I can be in.
(to the other) I am suffering as I believe I am a part of the suffering.
Absolutely. I am not suffering at all, I am one of the privileged and fortunate ones who have a warm home, who has a really safe and loving place to stay at home, who has food in my fridge and cupboard.
I am aware of the suffering that is going on outside of me and am staying home to hopefully slow down this virus that may cause others to suffer, do I ever know that others are suffering, no I can not ever know that truth within me. Again, I can send love, peace, and calm within me out and around. All I know to be true is I have been asked to stay in my safe, warm home and that is one of the best things I can do.
If I am sitting here suffering in my thoughts I am in pain and my projection of the world is pain vs. the love I can send out when I am not believing that thought.
(to the opposite) We are not all suffering.
That is very true. I hear gratitude daily, multiple times a day of all the awareness and insights this is bringing. I hear from friends who are so grateful to have their partners home. I hear mothers saying how much they are enjoying this time with their children. And I hear mothers feeling grateful for school systems and this lesson of patience and maybe even a deeper appreciation for teachers, I hear family members reaching out to more family members. I have people are out in nature more than ever, I see it. I see families out riding bikes and walking through neighborhoods. Where the streets are full of more stillness than normal. Cars are parked and not being driven as much. These are just a few of the things I can not at the moment that definitely confirms, we are not all suffering.
This is a glimpse of the process of The Work I do when I notice a painful/stressful thought.
I shortened the practice I go through, just to share a glimpse.
In my full practice and the practice I share with others, I recognize more of the judgments that are within me, dwelling there in the confusion. The unconscious thoughts that send me into a spiral of pain. Blindly guiding my thoughts into despair and victimization. This is good, we all have them, those thoughts we never want to talk about out loud. We all have them. Yet being able to write them out, speak them a loud gives them so much less power than when I hold them in and push them away.
Bring some awareness to the thoughts and see who you are on the other side without the thought that has brought on fear, confusion, stress and/or pain.
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