The Joy of Grief

September was one of those hard months. My grandmother passed away, stroked in my arms at home, and passed away 2 days later. I believe the essence of who we are knows our life purpose and when it is time to leave those human experiences it is time. I trust in that divine process.

In the book, Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren, she refers to grief as the

Deep River to the Soul.

When I told my friend Joe about my grandmothers' death and the past couple of months I had been grieving he asked, "What exactly have you been grieving?" That question caused me some pause.

Of course, I was grieving my grandmother passing away and there was so much more to my grieving.

Pondering the question, I realized I was grieving the time I thought I was going to have with my grandma, the belief that I was going to have a time period to stay at her home and be able to catch up financially, my plan to save up and be able to move to be closer to my grandson.

I was grieving knowing her home was being sold, the home my mom grew up in, many of my childhood memories, family gatherings, the home 3 of my friends and I while my grandparents were on a mission, the home that I never imagined not being able to ever come back to. The more I pondered the more I realized the layers of grief.

I feel anytime life throws us one of those major curveballs and life goes completely different than we imagined, there is grief. Who we think we are beginning to fade away, a divorce, loss of anything, change in career, beliefs change, a way of being that just is no longer the way, an adult child, just 19 years old, moves away from the home there is grief and celebration all at once. All of these deserve our attention and a time to process the grief and witness the celebration.

The celebration comes naturally and yet the griefing feels so foreign.

I took the time to grieve.

I slowed way down, only doing what was necessary. I spent extra time journaling, crying, and literally doing absolutely nothing whenever I could. At times I wondered what I was doing. And this little voice would say, "you are allowing the grieving process to simply be." No force, no rushing simply being.

My brother died in January of 2000. I worked the next morning after finding out about his death the night before. I flew to Utah and supported in the arrangements for his funeral. I was very good at doing it. I spoke at my brothers funeral, I was very good at being strong and just moving on.

And I remember telling people it took me a good year to grieve his death.

For an entire year, anytime I was alone in the car I cried. Little by little I grieving his death.

I believe the grieving is a process and comes in waves throughout our lives as we notice the birthdate and they are no longer. We notice the death date, the day we no longer have them here,

And I have come to know the more I honor the process of grieving at the moment, the sooner those other dates become celebrations of remembering vs the sorrow still trying to be witnessed.

3 months, September to December I went within and rode the deep river with my soul. Slowing down more than I had ever known. I felt like a child and I was there comforting me, processing, allowing, and loving myself deeply through the process.

I leaned on loved ones, I shared my emotions, I laid on the ground and allowed myself to be held almost every single day.

I griefed so many layers that have been needing to be a witness and grieved. Once I allowed and was willing layers and layers fell away.

Now 3 months later I feel more inspired than I have in a long time. I feel more at peace with myself.

I am at a place where I know the nurturing, love, acceptance and allowance is always here within me. The deepest love I have ever felt for myself, I can feel the layers around my heart center opening, pedal by pedal. I feel the humanness and the joy of allowing and being within the time of grief.

Grief feels just as inviting and allowing as being joyful.

They are both the same, the extremes and wholeness of being human.

And that is why I chose to come to live out this human experience, to be in the grace of all the emotions. To embody the emotions feel it ALL.

The more comfort I allow in the discomfort, the more and more my heart opens and the love within me swells. The more I learn the more stillness and the peace are here within and no matter what is happening all around I am here in my peace.

The Joy in Grief.

Allowing the griefing process to happen as it needs to.

Slowing down more than I've ever known.

The grief allows a layer to truly shed and then here I am living more fully than before.

This is the joy of being in our humanness.

Now I ask you, what needs to be mourned?

What about your life do you feel you have lost and need to be witnessed and grieved?

This has been a turbulent year full of many surprises, adjustments, changes, and even death.

What needs to be fully released that is no longer a part of your life?

Allow that time to be with yourself and grief and feel the joy of grieving.

Cry, scream, shake it out, dance it out, sage it out, be angry and let that anger pour out from you onto paper, into the air, or onto a pillow.

Release it, you must feel it to release it.

I do not want to always live in a state of grief. And it will not always take 3 months, yet this time it did.

I am here for the full spectrum of emotions.

Which means feeling it ALL!

I will no longer live a life of shoving down the emotions, of becoming so busy that there is no time to process, witness, and release.

No more ignoring and numbing out from the humanness I came here to experience.

A new way of being, a way of allowing, accepting, and a willingness to truly feel it all.

Thank you grief and thank you to self for finally learning to be with the stillness, humility to allow the grieving process to be the Deep River of The Soul.

This my invitation to you to notice the grief.

Permission to go and grieve, invite in the Deep River of the Soul.

I love you!