Great minds discuss ideas, Average minds discuss events, Small minds discuss people.
In order to heal
the small part of me needed to go back
where unworthiness, shame, victimization, blame and the pain began
where fear was learned through the love of what I called protection.
Where the belief of keeping things a secret is safer
Lying is what needs to happen
Betrayal is what happens
Stay small and silent for you are one of the bad ones.
No one told me this, these are my stories, the lens in which I saw and felt it all.
Sex was introduced into my brothers young and innocent body.
I came along, the little sister, he introduced to my body what was shown to his.
It is a natural human response to sexuality, the way the body reacts and once learned that is what is known.
One of those things no one speaks about, pushes aside and shoves deep down into the darkness and attaches to the shame.
Once we became old enough to know, we hated looking at each other and the physical abuse began. The secrets were so deep and unspoken.
With fear as the source destruction and war begins.
17 years old, I used my voice and called the police.
It all stopped, I used my voice and it stopped.
The fear of running finally become too hard.
Yet the stories and beliefs stored in my body, in my unconscious beliefs about life and who I am.
My egos response system of staying safe was working well.
It was about the people and attached to that is victimization. The forgiveness was this outward defense and yet not an inward awareness.
The rinsing of beliefs and thoughts worked to a certain level of awareness. The next level of awareness was to go deeper and really begin to dig into the unconscious thoughts and patterns within the body and mind.
For me, this is a practice of unlayering all the beliefs of who I am NOT in order to get to the truths of who I am.
The more I went within, questioning my thoughts, the more I discovered a deeper level of compassion. The stories were no longer about the who, there is no victimization.
The stories were now about events and an understanding of acceptance of what is.
And within this experience I found compassion.
Compassion for myself, my brother and any and all who felt the rippling effects.
The freedom to let the stories go.
The past only lives when it is stored away, shoved down, unrealized and unhealed.
Not one piece of my past, not even yesterday matters. Once healed, once seen and understood the lesson is learned and nothing else matters. It was not my fault, it was not his fault and it certainly was not the fault of any one person, it just happened.
Now I can let it all go and truly with love, compassion and forgiveness for all. There really does not even need to be forgiveness, it is simply understood as what was and the word WAS is all the reason to let it go. The events that no longer are needed in the story of today.
A reclamation.
A resurrection.
I call the story The Rebirth because my healing over the past 6 years has been exactly that.
The past is gone and none of it is now.
The future is an illusion and I will never be in the future, all I will ever have is now.
My body is not who I am, my body is the form, the gift to be here in the now.
My thoughts are not who I am, this brain, the ego, the functioning of it all is a miracle and it simply just is.
The less I attach to any of it, the more free I am.
My emotions are amazing and tell me so much about myself. And yet I am not my emotions.
The mind, body and emotions are form and response systems necessary to be in this experience. Learning to listen to these amazing response systems, slowing down, questioning and feeling into the heart.
When I say heart, I am speaking about the love, the essence of what it is I truly am,
The I am, the love, the consciousness, the divine living out the story of Alicia.
There is no rewriting the story, there is simply dissolving.
Acceptance.
Peace.
Presence.
Calm.
Living in the now, recognizing the fear, questioning the why and discovering the truths.
Healing.
Compassion.
Gratitude for every second I have been alive and living out this human experience.
Every experience.
Every Human.
The knowing it all happens FOR me.
The pureness, the innocence, the divine living out the life of Alicia.
This new idea. Actually the realization back into the innocence of all I truly am.
This was a big decision for me to decide to write about this.
Here are my 2 reasons why I did:
#1 this blog is about my healing and this was a huge part of my healing
#2 to talk about the thing no one ever wants to talk about.
PLEASE TALK ABOUT THE TRUTHS AROUND SEX with the children!
If I could go back to that little girl I would say (as young as possible)
It is not your fault!
You should never, ever feel any shame around sex.
Nothing about sex says anything about your worth as a human being.
Your body is sacred and it is important to protect your body. Always use your voice to protect your body no matter what someone is saying to you.
Here is what consent is.
Here is what sex is. Sex is sacred. Sensuality is a natural human gift. Here is the difference of sensuality and sex. There is a difference and both are sacred.
Here is a vagina, here is a penis and here is what happens with sex.
If sex is ever introduced into your body in anyway know that it is perfectly safe to speak to a parent (or a safe adult - just please find a safe adult to talk to) and there is no shame when sex is introduced to your body, just please talk about it.
You are love and you are loved.
Sex and pleasure in your body does not say anything about you as a human being.
Lets just be honest about what happened and talk about the importance of protecting your body and WHY.
Keeping your body and sex as something sacred is important and there is nothing shameful about it in any way.
Pleasure in your body is normal and if you want to touch yourself and feel that pleasure that is perfectly OK, normal and safe.
Just please know the importance of never touching another persons body until you are at an age of having equal consent and here is what CONSENT is.
Lets PLEASE take the shadow away from sex and pleasure. Make it as important of a conversation with children as eating your vegetables and getting a good nights sleep.
Make your homes a safe place to talk about sex and please take away the shame!
Nothing about sex says anything about a human beings WORTH!
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