This old trauma rises,
it reminds me I am not safe,
I am not good and it feels so painful.
This is my wound, I continue to revisit and it continually calls out for healing.
This is when I know it is time to go back through the birth canal.
There is no such thing as A rebirth,
at least for me it has been a process,
a continual process of healing.
It is a constant and continual rebirth into new beliefs, new thoughts and a new way of being.
This process, which is many tools, has helped me find a way to workout this old trauma in the body, to question the beliefs and to find a way to come into the truths.
Most importantly to release what I no longer need to hold on to.
Are other people able to just let it go and move on?
Why does it seem that I am continually heading down the rabbit hole?
I do not know others experience I simply know mine.
I see this life as an experience and I chose to experience it all.
All the emotions,
All the beliefs that limit me,
I chose to heal.
There has been a lot of this since I began this blog.
I opened this can of worms and am ready to release it all.
Back to the waters of emotions,
face the victimization and blame my mind and body have known.
Knowing it is no longer serving me,
A willing to go within myself,
face my belief systems,
and dissolve away what limits me.
My most recent realization:
Sitting on a couch, perfectly safe, surrounded by 3 woman who I adore and love.
And here comes the belief system,
tears stream down my face,
pain is my body,
my heart feels heavy.
"I am still hurt and angry at him."
I MUST FEEL IT TO HEAL IT.
Luckily on this night, I already had it on my schedule to attend Spiritual Workout. http://spiritualworkout.com/classes
Steven Morrison is a wonderful facilitator of working through thoughts and tapping it out of the body.
When I begin the call, my voice quivered and the words poured out through tears,
"I am angry at my dad, I needed him to see me, to validate me and to rescue me."
Belief System = Victimization = Blame = I am not good
Steven and I immediately starting tapping it out.
After a few minutes, I am speaking it out clearly, my heart stops pounding, and I am back in the present moment.
It is there in the present moment that I began to feel a calm and a peace within myself.
Then as the call was ending, Steven said, "it is not about your dad"
BBBBOOOOMMMMBBBBB!!! Like a bomb went off and the call ended.
I hung up and cried. That crying where your entire body shakes and you make the scariest sounds wailing deep from within your being.
That beautiful deep cry for release.
I woke up the next morning and now it was vibrating through my entire body.
This is not about your dad, this is about you.
There was something I needed to face about myself.
There was something I needed to recognize about an old way of being.
There was something for me to unwind within myself.
Victimization and Blame.
My next level of practice,
I go deep into a meditation.
I question the beliefs.
And there it is.
STOP living in the past.
STOP blaming!
You are who you are today. Period end of story. You are who you are today.
You NOW know how to take care of yourself.
You NOW know what safety is.
You NOW know how to validate yourself.
You NOW know how to ask for what you need.
You ARE perfectly safe.
You ARE perfectly whole.
You have the tools, the self care and the self love NOW!
Right now you are perfectly safe.
This is where I let my soul rise up, kiss my heart and give that little girl all the love she ever needed. And come back to the present moment and find the gratitude for all I am today.
I love my father.
I love who I am today.
Today is all that matters.
And that is the healing process,
the willingness to go within,
the willingness to accept the past,
to heal the belief system of the past,
to forget the future,
and breath into the NOW!
It is all so perfect and it is all for me.
2019 my focus for the year was RESPONSIBILITY. And this year has been all about me taking responsibility for who I am today and how I show up.
2020 my word is QUEENDOM!
To step more into the Queen I am,
the Warrior I am,
I must release the blame and victimization that I had known so well.
This is all dissolving in 2019 I am taking full responsibility for who I am today.
I am stepping into 2020 with a clearer vision of the Queen I am!
I live a joyful life because every time something takes me out of joy I am willing to go within.
I am willing to question the thoughts and beliefs that hold me back from feeling joy.
This is simply my process and I love it all.
This is my experiencing,
I am willing to experience what ever it is I need to feel,
because every time what i find is the truth,
I AM JOY!
It is here within me just waiting to be remembered and felt.
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