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Writer's pictureAlicia

Who I am not - Part 1

Updated: Jan 28, 2020


My healing process began because my life crumbled.

And I was/am exhausted from all the running, hiding, pretending and the many masks.

A mask was worn from a very young age.

The mask of pretending, the mask made me feel safe, as if the dark was hiding.

There was a story within me,

it was easier and safer to pretend, to hide and not speak the truth.

When my life crumbled,

I made a choice to begin to heal instead of going back to the masks.

The door of awareness and healing was opened, at least for me, there is just no turning back.

This is my life now,

this is my work,

healing where the guilt and shame began.

I know I have forgiven.

I have spoken about what others consider unspeakable.

I removed the mask where I hid from the secrets,

What I thought meant everything about me,,

simply was not true,

there was no darkness or bad within me.

This is the wound.

There was pain and fear stuffed deep inside - that was the darkness,

once the fear and pain were seen, felt and acknowledged,

the truth could be seen and the light dissolves away what was once darkness.



Every time, I go back and do some inner child healing,

it all comes boiling back to the surface,

I get frustrated.

I feel like I have healed this, why do I have to continue to revisit and heal.

Sometimes I become very impatient with myself.

And then I remember,

compassion.

I spent the first 39 years of my life wearing the masks,

it was safer to stay silent.

it was definitely safer to push down the feelings and emotions,

to attach the painful thoughts and beliefs to my self worth or lack there of,

not facing the responsibility of being a human, just run and numb.

What I ignored,

pushed away,

stored deep within my body,

the shadows I never wanted to face.

I guess 7 years of dedicated healing just does not quite dissolve away the 39 years of masking.

I hear this voice,

Sweetie you know this, you have said this and here it is again,

YOU MUST FEEL IT TO HEAL IT.

In order to dissolve that pain you stuffed away,

it must be resurfaced,

felt,

acknowledged

and brought into the light.


When thoughts come,

I now notice there is something that is noticing the thoughts,

if I am noticing the thoughts,

am I the noticer or the thinker of these thoughts?

When the thoughts feel painful, stressful or create confusion this is my sign,

I have learned to go within and inquire.

This is the work I do.

Pause, get quiet and meditate.

I look at that moment,

I am there, back in that moment, where I am believing that stressful/painful/confused thought,

what am I feeling,

how am I reacting,

what is my body doing, what is IT feeling?

IT?, this body, there is another awareness.

There is a noticing of my body,

its feelings and its reactions.

This body warns and sends signals., if we are willing to pause, to feel and listen.

Pause and go within and feel into the body.


When discomfort happened, I simply numbed, I abandoned from the presence of my body.

I ignored the power of my bodies signals and I became numb.

Does my body and my ego work together?

To keep me in in the darkness?

To keep me from losing my shit?

From going insane?

And here it is,

all the confusion that happens when believing a thought.


This is part 1,

the realization,

I AM not my thoughts,

there is something that observes the thought.

I AM not my body,

there is something that observes the body,

that can feel into the body,

that can feel and hear warning signs from the body,

I have thoughts and I have a body.


If there is an observer that can notice thought and can notice the feelings of the body,

what is that?


I am NOT my thoughts,

I am NOT my body,

What am I or who am I that is observing?


That is the healer, the healer within me.

It has taken the support and love of others for me to find the ways to heal.

The willingness to heal

Then I realize I am not in this alone.

Is this my purpose, to heal?

Yes, yes it is. My purpose is to heal and my purpose is to be the healer.

I am not in this alone, we are all in this together. We are here to heal.

We are here to experience.

Experience brings pain.

Pain brings the experience to heal.

The more I heal, the more healing happens.

This is my world, the world of healing.


This pain that was stored in the body,

the darkness of the pain,

caused an abandonment of the body,

I am a human with a body,

I have feelings and emotions and they are meant to be felt.

When i do not feel,

I turn to numbing, i turn to distractions

These distractions can be over eating,

I over eat so I can actually feel.

This is where eating disorders begin.

instead of feeling, I attach to the idea that I am this body and do things that cause me to feel.

Learning to recognize the pain and the need to feel.


The healing begins when I am willing to not let those distractions take me away from what it is I truly need to feel.


The inner child work of healing. Go back and be willing to feel.

Find the love for all you are, a human, having a human experience.


We are all in this together. We need to feel. We need each other in order to heal.


I know the pain, I know the numbing and I know the masks we wear to cover the pain.

It is all a distraction to keep me from the truth,

the truth that I am a loving, compassionate human

moving through human experiences.


The invitation is to be willing,

wiling to feel and not use the distractions.

To pause, to listen and to feel.

Is this nourishing me or is this a distraction?

Willing to take off the mask and be honest.

I am a human and this is my human experience.

I am a healer, my experiences brought the great opportunity to know, the healer I am.

As I heal, I heal the world.



A willingness to open my heart and feel.

As I feel,

As I question.

I dissolve away the darkness and come into the light.

the light that is within me

and I feel the joy.

The joy of this human experience.

The joy to rise into the truths of who I am.

To learn to be present in the here and now.

To learn to be mindful of all my choices.

The responsibility of me and all I get to be here in this human experience.

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